Spirituality and faith has always been big in my life. Hope springs eternal in me most days. My mom was like that too. No matter how "bad" things were she could find the bright side of it. She could figure out how to survive and in her younger years thrive no matter what life threw at her. And, like I am sure you are figuring out with me, she had more than her share. She wanted to experience it all and she did, but it took it's toll on her ability to be kind and have solid attachments if was not on her terms. Our relationship has been a casualty of that. I come from a long line of women like this, where the world beat them down so badly that the next generation becomes the next victim and we didn't know it. I am trying to break that mother curse, but it is hard. I distanced myself from her 7 years ago to save my own family because it was becoming a choice between her wants and my family. I am so happy to say my family won. I tried for about 2 years to keep seeing her and that did not work. She could not see what she was doing and I could not keep myself from falling into patterns all of the women in my lineage seemed to do. Fast forward, lots of work and listening to spirit, living an integrated life in all other aspects and a lot of healing and learning healthy attachment. I am here writing this to you after visiting her for the first time in 5 years in the hospital due to a scare we had with her failing health. My sister dragged me there because she knew it was something I needed to do. And believe me I have heard it from many in the last 2 years as she has been battling with health complications since she had COVID and then they found more with it. But was not ready to listen. I was wanting to hold onto the anger I was using as a shield from the hurt, the pain of the mother wound. The pain of seeing more and more of her slip away each year. That heart that never gave up, until about 15 years ago when it got to be too much. When she lost too much. Maybe I will talk more about it later, but that is not the story I am telling today. It is my story I am talking about today.
My story is about being a default oldest unable to save her mom, but hopefully able to heal the generations to come by making peace, And that is what I did yesterday, I saw and stated what needed to be stated out loud, and the anger was replaced to a renewed grief, but grief comes from love. The anger I am, talking about was coming from fear, fear that I had no grown as much as I thought, and seeing her would drag me back into the black hole of anger that came from watching the world take her away as a child, although honestly so much was already gone before I was born. The anger and fear were because she could not let me be me,because it was too much like looking into the mirror for her, and she did not want that for me. Because I am like her in so many ways, she was not all bad. She was a survivor, and came from a long line of survivors. Women healers who figured out how to survive in a world who would not accept them unless they followed the rules set in place by a world who killed the healers who threatened status quo. Women who wanted to do so much more with their lives than the world was allowing them to do. Who were amazing but scary because they were changing the balance. So I visited and the universe showed me what so many were telling me. I have grown enough to step into that power and become that person. That person who can love without judgement, because I know I am ok and I will not repeat the cycle. I chose love and compassion including for my mom. I will grieve her and be grateful she is my mom. Because her spirit is amazing in spite of her circumstances and her choices.
I will not respond in fear anymore. I will continue to lean on those people who love me and understand that they love me and let them into my heart. I can be mothered because I have let my own off the hook. I will accept the grief of loosing her, both anticipatory and the hard losses that have happened over a lifetime. I thank her and the universe for the lessons. I will choose an open heart, gratitude and love that that visit taught me about. She has not changed. I may or may not see her again in this lifetime, but we both were released from what we had to learn from each other. She heard me say " I love you, I forgive you and I know you did the best you could. " I hope it brings her the peace it brought me. Because I know she did her best. She did not set out to hurt me. I have not set out hurt anyone either but I am human and I make mistakes. Whatever happens from now on, I can say I let go of that last fear of becoming my mom. I am not her and I have a different path. I love her and respect the trail she blazed so I could be this honest and help someone else heal. If you have read this today there was a reason. Take page out of my book. You are stronger than you think. Do the hard stuff. Love and let go. Allow Spirit and Universe to be your guide. Live in faith and hope eternal and know people do not intend to hurt, so quit owning their part and free them and yourself. Own only your own. Love and light to you.