Full disclosure, this is one of those posts for me that sprang up as I was standing next to someone who has been that example of what I did not want to be, but have always been afraid of becoming. So it is from messy part of me this post emerged, so bare with me. It is long and took almost two weeks to be ready to publish. That is why your have not heard from me in awhile. This blog post came from one of those times where the universe gave light to one of my opportunities of understanding, a time where I had to resist falling into old habits, and was able to move on. More to come on the exciting opportunities or openings that have come since this first was written. So in other words, I am laying out a vulnerability to you that I struggle with, so please be kind. If it resonates, please take to heart. If it does not that is ok to, because maybe you escaped what many of us could not.
Let me start by saying I am so blessed. I have had amazing strong women in my life, trailblazers in their own right. They were the ones that did not settle. They were the women who found a way to do it all, but they have also had to develop a thick shell to do so.They worked outside the home and they kept their families together no matter what. They were the women that paved the way for what we take for granted now. They have also felt called on to protect those around them from the world because they were so strong and the world was not an especially kind and loving place for them. They were pull yourself up by the boot strap no matter what because people depended on them to be. They were the rocks of their family, but you did not cross them because if you did or if you got in their way, they would run you over. I have to admit I have been known to be that way myself. These women suffered in silence because that was what the only way they knew how to survive and keep everyone around them going.
The lady that I ran into was exactly like that. She knew the best way to survive was to maintain appearances that everything was ok above all else. And in the moment I ran into her,I felt less than because she could no let me near enough to support her, and yet she was screaming for support. My grandmother was like that, my mother was like that most of my young life, and I have been known to fall into that category. That way of being was essential to survival for many women of this world even 20 years ago. It was expected. Society thrived on it. Yet, it has almost destroyed so many souls both emotionally and physically. Science and modern medicine is showing that if you live a life that you hate, and believe me I have been there, your responses to that start to take a toll on your health. Chronic dis-ease causes chronic diseases, both mental and physical. When you are so busy pulling yourself up by the boot straps, there is no room for the rest and spiritual connections that helps with the dis-ease. Our way of walking through the world has to change so our evolution and adjustment to live in this world does not kill us, that way of being does not feel as comfortable as it used to. Some will cling to it but for a lot of us we are realizing that we need to let that go. The change makers have to adjust if we are to survive and thrive as the universe needs a different energy, Remember, we all have a reason we came down to join the collective right now in this pivotal time. So for me that means, I have to honor the way I and others walked through the world to survive without judgement, but continue to grow and learn to live holistically with connections and forgiveness as I meet the future. I can change the way I live and honor myself and my needs.
Gratitude is this answer. Forgiving myself and all those others who became the way they were to survive in the past, but understanding I can embrace the future by integrating it into me. I am a strong women and always will be but I also know I need to honor the cycles of life. Those thresholds between past and future me. I am on a threshold right now and I see it. I will honor who I was and who I am becoming without judgement and with an open heart of forgiveness. I will extend this to my mother and grandmothers back through the generations. Because by accessing the forgiveness I heal. I remember that no one sets out to hurt another, they are just trying to survive and ease their dis-ease. So I need to love them too and keep my heart open even as it hurts when they unintentionally bring up uncomfortable emotions and feelings or memories. And with that simple decision, I will not repeat the past and become what I am afraid of. I will walk forward with confidence that I can heal and continue down my path. If you have read to the end, I hope it has been helpful. Take a page from my book and find those that bring out the best in you and love and forgive everything. I will also offer that if you need help to learn how not to be this way. I will love and support you through it. No judgement only love and support and you as you reteach your body, mind and spirit to trust that you can connect and be vulnerable. Thank you. With much love, Cathy